Divorce after 50 is not easy. As a matter of fact, almost any major life-change in midlife can be extremely daunting.
Whether you are thinking of getting a divorce or are already going through the legal process of divorce, here are a few facts about divorcing your partner in midlife that I hope will help you survive your split.
You will reconsider
This is true for almost anyone getting a divorce at any age. We all question whether we’re doing the right thing. And it is human nature to be afraid of the unknown. You might even reason with yourself that even though you’re miserable, maybe it’s not really that bad, that you can put up with an unhappy marriage.
You may also consider not divorcing because of finances. It’s only natural that you will bargain with yourself because you are scared. Know that this is normal.
You will hurt
The rollercoaster and complexity of emotions you will feel when you make the decision to divorce is unlike anything you´ve ever experienced.
The grief, the pain, the confusion, the fear, the desperation of wanting to be loved after your spouse is gone.
At times it will feel insurmountable.
But even though you can´t fathom being divorced, there is a weight that will slowly start to ease from your shoulders—the relief of a new beginning.
You will doubt yourself
Your self-esteem may shatter, and you will be desperate for love and validation.
You’ll think that nobody will ever love you or want to be with you again. You may be tempted to start dating immediately to mark the loneliness.
You may even latch on to the first person who pays attention to you: the classic divorce rebound relationship.I suggest you resist this urge. Even if you have not had that romantic touch or intimacy in a long time, take a deep breath and give it time. Be patient.
Rushing to fill the void of divorce with another relationship right away, robs you of the chance to heal.
You will need help
Although you may tell yourself that you’re fine, you will need a support system: a therapist, a support group, friends, the non-judgemental anonymity of a good online forum.
Whatever systems you choose should help you attain two objectives: creating a safe place for venting, and help you find constructive ways to cope with the divorce in a healthy manner.
Also read: Why do we stay in bad relationships?
You will feel overwhelmed
Once you and your spouse decide to divorce, you will feel like you are getting sprayed with an industrial fire hose.
The number of “to-do’s” and “should-do’s” regarding emotions, finances, legal issues, custody, and other logistics will come at you with incredible urgency; you will feel paralyzed and overwhelmed.
Understand that divorce is a process.
And like any process, there are many things that need to be addressed immediately (safety, shelter, income), things to address a little later on (understanding legal issues, finding an emotional support system) and there are things you can address in the longer-term (ensuring your separation agreement is something you can live with).
You will need to remind yourself that divorce is like a marathon, it requires patience and persistence.
Save yourself the stress by accepting that not everything has to be done right now.
You will feel powerless
This is one of the most difficult emotions to overcome when you are getting a divorce. You will feel that you have no control over your spouse’s behavior. But the fact is: you don´t!
If your partner threatens you, cleans out your savings account, or racks up debt on a joint credit card, seek legal help immediately. But the divorce process is also full of minor annoyances that seem amplified because you and your partner are emotionally charged.
It may seem as if everyone is trying to make your life as miserable as possible, which could result in a long, drawn-out, and expensive, soul-sucking divorce. Try not to let that happen.
Remind yourself that although you can’t control your partner’s behavior, you can control how you react. Your decision to take the high road is entirely up to you.
Like most things during a divorce, it is easier said than done.
You will feel emotional
You will be tempted to make certain divorce decisions that are driven by emotion. You will constantly forget that divorce, is, in essence, a business transaction, the splitting of assets and incomes.
The logical part of you will understand this, but the part of you that is hurt may spend months fighting over things that have nothing to do with business at all. During the legal process, you will be forced to choose your battles.
Choose wisely.
You will need to learn when to fight for the things that are rightfully yours, but also when to let other things go. In the end, nobody wins in a divorce.
Otherwise, you will find yourself robbed of years of your life, fighting in court, having spent tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees that could have been put to better use in your post-divorce life.
You will feel uncomfortable
You will find yourself in new situations that make you uncomfortable, especially if you are close to retirement and thought your future was settled.
You may have to reenter the workforce after years, or even decades away. Your budget may be tight.
If your social life revolved around other married couples, this dynamic may seem miserable or depressing for you.
Understand that you are not alone in your struggles, and that whatever you need, whether it’s career help, financial advice, counseling, new opportunities for socialization, are all out there.
Do not allow any of the discomfort of divorce to make you bitter, or drive you into hiding.
You will feel self-pity
In of despair, you might wallow in self-pity and say to yourself, “my life was not supposed to be like this. All these years, I made sacrifices and thought I could finally relax.”
You will feel ashamed.
This is part of the grieving process, and you will need to learn how to balance it. Accept that your circumstances have changed, work towards healing and move on.
You will need to learn that you are not a prisoner to the circumstances you find yourself in, and it is you who has the power to come out of this as a stronger person.
You will have a choice
You will learn that divorcing your spouse has presented you with a plethora of choices.
You can choose to look at the divorce as something that will ruin your future, or you can choose the path that takes a lot more work—the path where you seek help, get the support you need, and educate yourself about every aspect of the divorce process. But most importantly, understand that you have the power to get through it.
The choice is yours.
Also read: 7 Great things I learned from my divorce